⏱
99.99% Uptime of Letting You Down
Industry-leading SLA, except the I stands for "Inevitably."
New: v4.20.69 — Jake somehow got worse
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The world's most advanced platform for quantifying how much Jake sucks.
JakeSux unifies sighing, eye-rolling, and group-chat venting into one beautifully observable pipeline — so your team can disappoint at scale, with confidence.
Powering disappointment at the world's leading organizations
- ◇ Sighcorp
- ✱ Disappointify
- ◈ Yikes Inc.
- ⌬ Cringeflare
- ◐ RegretDB
- ▣ MehScale
- ◊ Oofly
CSO · Chief Sucking Officer
⚠ Live disappointment
A note from leadership
Meet Jake. He sucks. Beautifully.
Jake started JakeSux in his mom's basement after realizing that the global market for personal disappointment was wildly under-served. Today, JakeSux processes over 1.2 billion sighs per second across 47 regions — none of which Jake has visited, because he didn't pack the right charger.
"I just woke up one morning and thought: what if mediocrity, but with a series B?" — Jake, in an interview he was 38 minutes late to.
27
Years of sucking
0
Patents granted
∞
Refunds requested
1
Plant kept alive*
* fake plant.
Platform
Everything you need to underdeliver, at scale.
A unified suite for tracking, observing, and exporting Jake's ongoing decline. No setup. No support. No remorse.
🪞
Enterprise-Grade Cringe
Real-time secondhand embarrassment, streamed over gRPC.
🔒
Zero-Trust Vibes
Nobody trusts Jake. Including Jake. Especially Jake.
📊
Real-Time Sigh Analytics
Aggregate sighs by team, region, and "what did he say now?"
📈
Horizontally Scalable Mediocrity
Spin up infinite replicas of Jake. Yes, even on Sundays.
🛡
SOC 2 Type Sus Compliant
Audited annually by people who've also met Jake.
0+
sighs processed / sec
0
ex-friends (Q1 2026)
0
wins, lifetime
0%
suckage SLA, guaranteed
Loved by people forced to know him
Don't take our word for it. Take theirs.
"We migrated our entire disappointment stack to JakeSux in under a weekend. By Monday, morale was at an all-time low. Truly transformational."
SB
Sasha B.
Senior Bystander · Sighcorp
"I rolled my eyes so hard during a JakeSux demo I saw my own
brain. 11/10. Would refund."
RV
Rina V.
VP of Eyerolling · Yikes Inc.
"I've known Jake since the third grade. He still owes me $4 and an apology. JakeSux finally lets me track both."
??
Anonymous
Childhood friend (former)
Pricing
Pick a plan. Regret it later.
Every plan includes Jake. There is no plan without Jake.
Hobby Sucker
For individuals just discovering disappointment.
$0/mo, forever
Start for free
- 1 unsolicited opinion / week
- Up to 10 sighs per minute
- Community support (mostly mocking)
- "Powered by Jake" watermark
Pro Sucker
For teams ready to underperform together.
$49/seat/mo
Suck pro →
- Unlimited sighs & eye-rolls
- SSO (Single Sigh-On)
- Slack integration (auto-mutes Jake)
- Priority disappointment within 24h
- Audit log of every cringe moment
Enterprise Sucker
For organizations with serious disappointment needs.
Let's chat
Talk to sales
- Dedicated Jake (on-prem)
- SOC 2 Type Sus, ISO 9001-ish
- Custom MSA written in passive-aggression
- 24/7 sighing & on-call yikes
- Quarterly business reviews of Jake's decline
Changelog
Shipped weekly.
Shipped weekly.
Regretted instantly.
We push updates to Jake faster than he pushes back.
View full history →-
v4.20.69 latest
Jake somehow got worse
Introduced new "Aggressively Confident Wrongness" mode (default on).
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v4.19.0
Sigh streaming, now in HDR
Sighs are now rendered at 4K 60fps. Closed captions: always "ugh."
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v4.18.2
Patch: Jake apologized once
This was an incident. We rolled it back within 4 minutes. Postmortem pending.
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v4.18.0
Vibes API → GA
You can now query "the vibes" via REST, GraphQL, or just yelling.
Ready to be disappointed?
Join 10,000+ teams already getting nothing done with JakeSux.
No credit card required. No dignity, either.