About Jake.
Everything you need to know, summarized in three paragraphs Jake didn't read.
A brief, painful history
JakeSux began on a Tuesday in 2023, when Jake, then 24 and living in his mother's basement, had what he would later describe as "a big thought." His mother described it as "Jake still living in my basement."
The idea was simple: the world's disappointment with Jake was unmeasurable, un-monetizable, and distressingly distributed across too many group chats. What if — and Jake insists he thought of this first — we could centralize it? What if we could charge for it?
Three investors, seven ex-friends, and one (1) restraining order later, JakeSux processes 1.21 billion sighs per second across 47 regions. Jake has personally visited none of them, because he keeps forgetting his charger.
Milestones
- Q1 2023 — Jake incorporates from his mother's couch
- Q3 2023 — Seed round led by Regret Capital
- Q1 2024 — First employee hired; first employee quits (same day)
- Q4 2024 — Series A: $12M at a post-money valuation of "one sigh"
- Q2 2025 — Product launch; Jake's mom visits office for the first time, leaves early
- Q3 2025 — SOC 2 Type Sus certification granted
- Q1 2026 — 1B sighs/sec milestone; no one celebrates
Leadership
Jake
Founder & Chief Sucking Officer. Will explain blockchain to you, unprompted, at length.
Jake (no relation)
VP of Engineering. Also sucks. Shorter. Better hair.
The Plant
Chief of Staff. Fake. Somehow still the most competent person in the room.
Jake's mom
Interim Chair. Does not endorse. Still waiting on rent.
Our values
- Underdeliver. Always. Loudly.
- Sigh before you speak. It buys time and sets expectations.
- Move slow and break things. Then blame Jake.
- Disagree and commit to disagreeing.
- Customer obsession. Specifically, being obsessed with how much our customers dislike us.
"We considered a mission statement. Then Jake wrote one. We un-considered it." — The board, privately
Want to work with us?
You probably don't. But if for some reason you do, we're hiring. See open roles →