Investor relations

Disappointing returns, reliably delivered.

Three rounds. Eighty-four million dollars. No one knows why. Highlights from our Q1 2026 investor letter below.

Q1 2026 highlights

ARR: up 214% YoY. (We define ARR loosely. "Annual Regretted Revenue.")
Net revenue retention: 112% — after churn from users who ghosted us out of embarrassment
CAC payback: never. But in a good way.
Burn: whatever Jake thought sounded right on the call
Runway: long enough for at least one more pivot
Gross margin: please don't ask

Cap table

Regret Capital

Seed. Led by a partner who now refuses to be named in public materials.

Sigh Ventures

Series A. Their website is just the word "no," in Times New Roman.

Founders Fundisappointment

Series B. They wired the money, then blocked us.

Jake's mom

Pre-seed (unofficial). Still waiting on the $40 she lent him in 2022.

Angel: unnamed

Wishes to remain unnamed. And uncontacted. And unrefunded.

A strategic

A "strategic" investor who we're pretty sure is Jake under another LLC.

Board of directors

Jake — Chair, CEO, lonely
One (1) independent director — joins meetings with camera off; has never spoken
The Plant — non-voting, fake, excellent instincts
Observer seat — held by Regret Capital; rarely observed

Select financials (unaudited)

                              2024         2025         2026 (Q1)
Revenue                   $1.2M        $7.8M        $5.1M
Gross margin              -14%          22%          31%
Net loss                 -$8.4M      -$22.1M       -$9.8M
Cash balance              $14M         $49M         $31M
Monthly burn              $1.1M        $1.9M        $3.3M
Jake-related incidents      47           112          amen

Note: the "Jake-related incidents" row in Q1 2026 is reported as "amen" because our CFO stopped updating the spreadsheet in February.

Interested in investing?

Don't be. But if you insist: regret@jakesux.xyz. Include a brief statement explaining why.