Press & media
We are, tragically, newsworthy.
Pre-approved quotes, brand assets, and a fact sheet. Everything you need to write about Jake without having to meet him.
Contact
Press, podcast, or interview inquiries: press@jakesux.xyz. We respond within 4-6 sighs.
Pre-approved quotes
"JakeSux has fundamentally reshaped how my company thinks about Jake — who, until now, we were simply trying to forget." — Jake (no relation)
"The 11-figure valuation is not a typo. Investors just really, really hate Jake." — TechCringe
"We tried to review the product and got distracted by how much Jake sucks." — The Disappoint Times
"It's the Salesforce of regret." — A16Zzz Podcast
Fact sheet
- Founded: 2023, in a basement, reluctantly
- Headquarters: San Francisco, near but deliberately not close to Jake
- Employees: 137 (136 of whom are not Jake)
- Sighs processed: 1.21 billion per second
- Regions: 47, none of which Jake has visited
- Total raised: $84M, most of it against Jake's advice
- Current valuation: it's fine. Don't worry about it.
- Notable customers: Sighcorp, Disappointify, Yikes Inc., Cringeflare, RegretDB
Brand assets
Logo — PNG
1x, 2x, 3x. Transparent background. Looks like a crying emoji.
Logo — SVG
Scales infinitely. Still looks disappointed.
Wordmark
Just the word "ugh," set in Inter Black.
Founder photo
Jake, but blurred. Available in low-res only.
Brand colors
A disappointing purple. A cyan that reminds you of a missed meeting.
Screenshots
Dashboard stills, cherry-picked. Do not zoom in.
Download full press kit (.zip) · View brand guidelines
Recent coverage
- The Register — "JakeSux raises Series B; nobody can explain why"
- Hacker News — 847 comments, 6 upvotes, deeply unwell
- Product Hunt — #1 in "Regret" category (uncontested)
- Forbes 30 Under 30 — Jake was considered, then un-considered
- Crunchbase — profile repeatedly defaced by former classmates
Want an interview with Jake? We strongly recommend against it. If you insist, email press@jakesux.xyz with the subject line "are you sure."