Privacy Policy.

Last updated: 2026-04-16.

1. What we collect

• Sighs — audible, inaudible, anticipatory
• Eyerolls — duration, severity, ocular trajectory
• Cringe events — event type, peer witnesses, aftermath
• Vibes — ambient, inferred, sometimes manifested
• Your IP address — in case we want to sigh at you from afar
• Device / browser fingerprint — for billing and light judgment
• Cookies — see Cookie Policy
• Whatever else Jake said we should collect on the sales call

2. What we don't collect

• Your precise location (we just assume you're somewhere disappointing)
• Biometric data (unless you signed the Enterprise MSA)
• Your dignity — you brought that yourself
• Anything Jake forgot to configure in the analytics dashboard (so: most of it)

3. How we use it

We use your data to:

• Improve Jake (impossible, but we bill for trying)
• Generate real-time sigh analytics for your workspace
• Occasionally paste screenshots into our investor updates
• Train our internal vibes model
• Sell aggregated disappointment metrics to hedge funds (see: Investors)

4. How we share it

We share data with:

• Our infrastructure providers — AWS, but begrudgingly; Cloudflare, for shame-delivery
• Our analytics vendor — we forget which one; it's in a Notion doc
• Our auditors — for SOC 2 Type Sus renewals
• Jake's mom — she likes to know what's going on
• Law enforcement — when legally compelled, or when Jake is feeling chatty

5. Your rights

Depending on your jurisdiction, you may have the right to:

• Access your data — we'll email it to you, eventually, as a JSON file named data.json.txt.final_v2(3).zip
• Correct your data — we'll consider it
• Delete your data — we'll pretend to
• Export your data — sure, fine, go ahead
• Object to automated processing — Jake will personally review your request (this is worse)

6. Data retention

We retain:

• Active account data for as long as your account is active
• Sigh archives for 7 years — or until Jake asks "what was that one sigh from that one time?"
• Aggregated and anonymized data forever, because we like it

7. Security

We use industry-standard encryption in transit and at rest. We also employ:

• Quarterly penetration tests (Jake penetrates the test)
• Third-party audits (see: SOC 2 Type Sus)
• A Slack channel called #security-oh-no

8. Children

JakeSux is not intended for users under the age of 13. Frankly, we don't want users over 13 either.

9. International transfers

Your data may be transferred across regions, usually by Jake on a flash drive he left in a coffee shop. Standard Contractual Clauses apply where required.

10. Changes

We may update this policy at any time. Material changes will be notified to you by sighing loudly. Minor changes will not be notified.

11. Contact

privacy@jakesux.xyz. We will, per our own policy, pretend to read your message.