Terms of Disservice.

Last updated: 2026-04-16. Probably.

1. Acceptance

By using JakeSux ("the Service"), you acknowledge that Jake sucks. This is a non-negotiable condition of service. If you do not agree, please close this tab and reconsider your life choices.

2. The Service

JakeSux ("we", "us", "the unfortunate") provides a platform for quantifying disappointment. The Service includes, but is not limited to: sighing, eye-rolling, one (1) unsolicited opinion per session, and occasional, unsolicited visits from Jake.

3. Your account

You are responsible for:

• Maintaining the confidentiality of your password (which is "password" — do not change it)
• All activity under your account, including activity you would rather disown
• Knowing, deep in your heart, that you are paying for this
• Not sharing your account with others. If you do, they will meet Jake. That is their problem.

4. Acceptable use

You agree not to:

• Use JakeSux for anything productive. This is a disappointment platform.
• Reverse-engineer Jake. He is not interesting enough to merit the effort.
• Compliment anyone on the platform. Compliments are a ToS violation.
• Attempt to contact Jake directly. Use the Webhook of Shame like everyone else.
• Resell, sublicense, or otherwise inflict the Service on a third party without written consent from Jake's mom.

5. Fees and refunds

Fees are as described on the pricing page. You acknowledge that:

• All fees are non-refundable, except when Jake joins a call — in which case refunds are automatic
• We may raise prices at any time, and will, and already have
• Enterprise agreements supersede these terms only where they happen to be more embarrassing

6. Intellectual property

All content on the Service, including without limitation sighs, yikes, and the complete corpus of Jake's opinions, is owned by JakeSux, Inc. or its licensors, and is protected by copyright, trademark, and several increasingly desperate cease-and-desist letters.

7. Termination

We may terminate your account at any time, for any reason, including but not limited to:

• Violation of these Terms
• Creating content that is not aligned with our values (see: About)
• Jake woke up and chose violence

8. Disclaimer of warranties

The Service is provided "as-is," "as-available," and "as-disappointing-as-humanly-possible." We disclaim all warranties, express or implied, including warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose, and the implied warranty that anyone would ever want this.

9. Limitation of liability

JakeSux shall not be liable for: emotional damages, reputational damages, damages to your will to live, or damages caused by your realization that you are reading the Terms of Disservice for a joke website.

10. Governing law

These terms are governed by the laws of the State of California, the State of Delaware, and whichever of Jake's moods is currently active.

11. Changes

We may update these terms at any time. Material changes will be announced by sighing loudly and, occasionally, via email.

12. Contact

Legal inquiries: legal@jakesux.xyz. We reply in the form of longer Terms.

By continuing to use this website, you re-affirm your acceptance of these Terms, every time the page loads, for the rest of your life.