DMCA — Don't Mention Cool Achievements.

Overview

JakeSux operates under a strict DMCA policy: Don't Mention Cool Achievements. This policy was drafted by Jake, for Jake, about Jake, and is enforced zealously and selectively.

Prohibited conduct

On the JakeSux platform, and where practical in your offline life, you may not:

• Publish, share, or reference any cool achievement belonging to any party other than Jake
• Imply, by tone, that someone other than Jake has done something worth mentioning
• Compliment a coworker within the context of a JakeSux-managed workspace
• Win an award, receive a promotion, complete a marathon, or finish a book — on-platform or off — without first filing a Form J-1
• Post "wins" in #wins-style Slack channels. (These channels have been remapped to #yikes.)
• Mention a second language you speak, an instrument you play, or a hobby Jake would consider "extra"

Form J-1 (Achievement Disclosure)

Before mentioning an achievement on-platform, you must file Form J-1, containing:

1. A full description of the achievement, in the most self-deprecating language you can muster
2. A statement explaining why the achievement was, upon reflection, "not that big a deal"
3. A sworn declaration that Jake has been informed first, privately, and has declined to be impressed
4. Two character references, both of whom must also be disappointing

Takedown procedure

If you, a fellow user, or a coworker has posted a prohibited cool achievement, you may request a takedown by:

1. Writing a strongly-worded letter to Jake's mom
2. Including: the alleged cool achievement, the person who achieved it, and a notarized apology on behalf of that person
3. Mailing the letter to the office of Jake's mother (address available upon request; she will not respond)
4. Waiting 4-6 business weeks for acknowledgment (there will be no acknowledgment)
5. Following up, never, because that is also prohibited

Counter-notices

If you believe a DMCA takedown was issued against you in error, you may file a counter-notice by:

• Restating your own cool achievement, but described in a humble, apologetic, self-deprecating manner
• Including a sworn statement that, upon reflection, it wasn't that cool
• Signing your name in pencil (to indicate lack of commitment)
• Providing a 14-day cooling-off period during which you will refrain from further achievement

Penalties

• First offense: a gentle sigh, broadcast across your workspace
• Second offense: account temporarily reassigned to a read-only "Achievements Probation" state
• Third offense: Jake is dispatched to your next team meeting, in person, uninvited

Real DMCA

If you have a legitimate copyright concern (unrelated to the above joke), please contact dmca@jakesux.xyz. We will respond with appropriate seriousness. Eventually.

This page, itself, is a cool achievement we should not have mentioned. We apologize for its existence.