System status

Everything is nominally awful.

Real-time status of JakeSux infrastructure. Updated every 30 seconds, or whenever Jake remembers we have a status page.

🟢 All systems nominally operational

Current status

Active incidents: 0*

* that we've decided to admit.

Systems

  • ✅ Sigh Pipeline — Operational. 1.21B/sec. Somehow.
  • ✅ Eyeroll Streaming — Operational. p99 = 3.8s (nominal).
  • ✅ Cringe Aggregator — Operational. Daily high: 94th percentile.
  • ⚠️ Jake — Degraded. This is the default state. Does not constitute an incident.
  • ✅ Vibes API — Operational. The vibes themselves are, however, off.
  • ✅ Webhook of Shame — Operational. p50 = 43ms. Still rude.
  • ✅ jakectl — Operational. jakectl undo continues to not do anything, as designed.
  • ✅ Dashboard — Operational. Graphs still going up.
  • ❌ Dignity Service — Down since 2023. No ETA. Root cause: Jake.

Regional status

  • 🌎 us-east-1 — Operational. Primary disappointment region.
  • 🌎 us-west-2 — Operational. Backup disappointment region.
  • 🌍 eu-west-1 — Operational. Sighs in French.
  • 🌏 ap-southeast-1 — Operational. Sighs in 12 time zones at once.
  • 🌐 jake-local-1 — Always down. This is Jake's laptop.

Past incidents

  • 2026-04-12 · RESOLVED — Jake apologized during an all-hands. Rolled back within 4 minutes. Postmortem forthcoming.
  • 2026-03-30 · RESOLVED — Suck Index briefly dropped to 92. Engineers investigated; Jake had muted himself.
  • 2026-02-14 · RESOLVED — Jake sent "Happy Valentine's Day" to all enterprise customers. 40% churn that week. 60% churn the next.
  • 2026-01-22 · MONITORING — Webhook latency briefly dropped below 50ms. No cause found. Watching closely.
  • 2026-01-08 · MONITORING — Someone complimented Jake on LinkedIn. Under active investigation by Trust & Safety.
  • 2025-12-04 · RESOLVED — All-hands had a single constructive moment. Rolled back by end of day.
  • 2025-11-18 · RESOLVED — jakectl undo briefly did something. Patched immediately.

Uptime SLA

Last 30 days         99.99% of letting you down
Last 90 days         99.99% of letting you down
Last 365 days        99.99% of letting you down
Since inception      99.99% of letting you down

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