Legal

Cookie Policy.

What we store on your device, and why. (Jake ate the good ones.)

Last updated: 2026-04-16.

What are cookies?

Cookies are small text files stored on your device by websites you visit. Jake ate the good ones. What's left are the cookies described below.

Strictly necessary cookies

These cookies are required for core platform functionality and cannot be disabled without breaking the site:

  • jakesux_session — keeps you logged in so you can continue suffering
  • sigh_buffer — batches unsent sighs for eventual upload
  • vibes_check — caches your current vibe (invalidated when Jake joins)
  • csrf_token — protects against cross-site request forgery (but not against Jake)

Performance cookies

These cookies measure how much we are underperforming:

  • cringe_level — samples your cringe at 60Hz
  • time_to_disappointment — how long it took us to let you down (TTFD, nanoseconds)
  • scroll_depth — tracks how far you scrolled before realizing
  • bounce_reason — hypothesis for why you left (default: "jake")

Targeting cookies

These cookies help us target you with additional disappointment:

  • retarget_jake — ensures Jake appears in at least 3 unrelated browser tabs
  • audience_guilt — used for remarketing on LinkedIn
  • lookalike_seed — finds more people like you (we're sorry)

Managing cookies

You can disable cookies in your browser settings. The site will mostly still work, but Jake will notice, and he will be hurt.

To manage your consent preferences on this site:

  • Click the little banner at the bottom of your screen (we don't have one)
  • Email us: cookies@jakesux.xyz
  • Or just close the tab. We'll understand. (We'll sigh, but we'll understand.)

Do Not Track

We respect Do Not Track signals by sighing at them and then, in full compliance with our own sighing, ignoring them.

Third-party cookies

Some third parties — analytics, payment processing, session replay — may set their own cookies. We did not read their terms either. Solidarity.

Changes

This policy may change. If it changes materially, we will notify you, typically by updating this page and not telling you.

Contact

Questions about our cookie use? cookies@jakesux.xyz. We will respond with a cookie.

See also: Privacy Policy  ·  Terms of Disservice