It plugs into the tools you already regret.
JakeSux integrates deeply with your existing stack. Which is to say: it will make all of them worse, on purpose, at scale.
Productivity
Slack
Automatically mutes Jake. Unmutes him only during executive reviews.
Notion
Meeting notes auto-generate as the word "ugh," 400 times.
Google Calendar
Marks Jake's meetings as "optional." Then cancels them. Then invites Jake as a guest to his own meetings.
Zoom
Auto-detects Jake's camera. Suggests turning it off. Permanently.
Loom
Every video Jake records is auto-captioned "[inaudible]."
Engineering
GitHub
Every Jake commit triggers a 3-person Slack huddle titled "we need to talk."
Linear
"Estimate" field replaced with "how long would this take if Jake weren't on the call?"
Jira
Opens 1 new ticket per Jake comment. All assigned to Jake. All immediately reassigned.
Datadog
New metric: jake.psi (Personal Suck Index). Pages oncall when it drops below 97.
PagerDuty
Pages Jake's mom. She ignores it. This is working as intended.
Sentry
All errors are grouped under a single issue: "Jake."
Go-to-market
Salesforce
Tracks which deals Jake personally tanked. (All of them.)
HubSpot
Replies to every inbound lead with "let me loop in Jake."
Intercom
Replies to every user message with "that's a great question — let me loop in Jake."
Gong
Transcribes Jake's calls, in real time, then sighs.
Finance & ops
Stripe
Refunds issued automatically after Jake joins any demo.
Ramp
Flags every expense approved by Jake. All of them. Every time.
Rippling
Quietly schedules Jake's 1:1s at 5:58pm on Fridays.
Carta
Renames Jake's shares to "legacy."
Auth & infra
Okta
Enforces Single Sigh-On. Audible by default.
AWS
Every IAM policy change Jake makes is reverted within 30 seconds.
Cloudflare
Rate-limits Jake's opinions to 1 per minute, per region.
Don't see your tool?
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